Ahem. Sorry there, matey. Got me pirate thumb caught in the door o’ me pirate Chevy, and it hurts like–well, anyway, do pardon the screamin’.
This is the day, the great day when Pirates from all around the eight seas (oh, sure, YOU think there’s only seven seas, but what do YOU know of dread pirate secrets?)–gather to choose a new Pirate King! And of course, they do it in the most piratical manner possible: by awardin’ the crown to the one who can tell the very best story!
What’s that ye say? That do be a milquetoast manner in which to elect a Lord of Buccaneers? Did ye expect wars, backstabbin’, combat, treachery, and intrigue?
Don’t be ridiculous. We may be privateers, but we ain’t nitwits. We seen that whole “Throne Game” series, and we recognize that nobody in their right mind would want to go through all that stuff just to rule over a bunch of scurvy, nigh-unmanageable sea-miscreants. Let’s face it, the main job of a Pirate King is just singing about it a lot. Ain’t worth gettin’ your wine poisoned over that. Waste o’ good wine.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED TO PLAY THIS GAME
- PIRATES: Persons (or Turing-aware AIs, either way) who wish to tell their Sea-Wolf tales; also known as “players”. Piratical dress and costume are always appreciated, but not at all necessary (for a true Pirate do be wearin’ what they want to wear, and damn what others thing!)
- BARTENDER(s): As in all other areas of life, Bartenders are the true judges of any tale. Ye may have as many Bartenders as ye want–but if there be more than one, they’ll need to be sure they can AGREE on which story is best each round. There’s been many a semi-needless stabbin’ over discussion of the finer points o’ oral history.
- THE LIST OF SITUATIONS, COMPLICATIONS, ABERRATIONS, and RUMBUSTIFICATIONS. These are the pieces which go into each storytelling challenge. Three of them are drawn by the Bartenders; RUMBUSTIFICATIONS (it’s kind-of a word! Look it up if ye don’t be believin’ our extensive nautical vocabulary!) are drawn by the Pirates. We’ll provide ye with lists of each (ye can also make yer own). We recommend copying the lists and cuttin’ ’em up with scissors, then drawin’ ’em from a vast dark Captain’s Hat. But we do be muchly inclined towards attacking problems with blades; it’s a thing.
- THE SKULLS OF YOUR ENEMIES AND/OR SOME OTHER KIND OF TOKENS. This is for KEEPING SCORE. (We, personally, think ye should use glasses of Grog. But we do might have an over-fondness for Grog, perhaps.
- (Optional) CAKE. This is not true. Ye cake are, sadly, a falsehood.
- (Optional) RUM. We would have made this a requirement, but it appears that the rum is gone. WHY IS THE RUM GONE? WHY? WHY? WHY?
If ye do be wishin’ to make this a drinkin’ game, feel free to get yer Grog on. Always drink responsibly; and never, ever drink ‘n then pilot thy craft; that’s how we get Cursed Ships, dammit.
If this is a drinking game, we suggest that the winner of each round takes a drink. (You COULD try having all the losing players take a drink instead, but thaaaaaaat will get ye a rather tipsy crew, rather quickly. So be warned!)
Finally, if you’re doing a drinking game and have lots of clean glasses, you COULD pour each round’s drink into a clean glass, and hand the glass to the winning player. The person with the most glasses of alcohol wins–in the game, and in life. However:
WHAT THE HECK BE YE DOING WITH THAT MANY CLEAN GLASSES? WHAT KIND OF PIRATE ARE YE, ANYWAY?
Slit all their throats and walk away with the treasure!
Wait, sorry, that’s a DIFFERENT game altogether. What we meant was:
The object of PIRATE BRAG is to use the story elements, plus the Rumbustification of your choice, to tell the pirate story best-loved by the the Bartenders. We recommend 3-5 rounds, unless ye be wantin’ a VERY long night. ‘Tis up to the assemblage whether or not to put a time limit on each story; we suggest that ye do, lest some tales get COMPLETELY out of hand.
HOW TO WIN AT STORYDRINKING
Slit their throats and walk away wit–
Sorry. The ol’ Piratical instincts do be risin’ up of their own accord sometimes.
Each round, each Pirate will tell a story based on story elements drawn by the Bartenders, modified by the Rumbustification of that pirate’s choice. After all stories are told, the Bartender(s) then decide which one they liked best. The person with the winning story wins that rounds. The person who wins the most rounds wins the game.
If there’s a tie for the final victory, feel free to declare both parties to be winners. Or have a tiebreaker round. Or let them fight to the death over a pit of fiery electro-piranhas. It’s up to you.