Jeff Mach, famed villain and esteemed Dark Lord (you can find him on Twitter, and yell at him for talking about himself in the third person again) – will be doing a reading from his five-star bestselling book, “I HATE Your Prophecy” at this year’s Evil Expo! Don’t miss it! I believe it is one of the best books ever written, and I am totally unbiased in that regard.
But don’t just take my word for it! Go ahead, read the reviews! You can find those reviews, and conveniently buy the book (preferably ten or twelve copies, just to be on the safe side)–right here.
Or you could just read this excerpt from the book:
Unmarked for Death
The Chosen Ones came, certain they would kill The Dark Lord; everything that made sense to them told them it’d be so. They failed; and now nothing made sense. She didn’t kill them; she imprisoned them, because she was looking for . . . something, something for which she didn’t exactly have a name or a plan—not just yet.
Before we question the quirks of The Dark Lord Alice, before we question some of the roundabout methods she employs, before we ask ourselves if she acts with perfect efficiency and wisdom, consider this:
We—those who live in a world of printing presses and electronic sorceries—are generally denied storybook romances. We’re denied fairytale endings. And we’re most often offered our doses of Magic in the form of technologies made to seem so approachable, so believable, that we no longer remember little things; like, if someone had shown us a certain apparatus or mechanism just a decade or two sooner, we’d have thought it a miracle, or a fraud. Plausibility is a much more pliable substance than you might imagine. Why shouldn’t The Dark Lord—why shouldn’t we?—spend a little time living up to our fictions, given the option and a pliable Narrator?
(And if, in your Universe, the Narrator is absent, then—quick!—do as you will before someone notices. Hide your bestial form in the garb of a Human, steal someone’s goodies as she walks towards Grandma’s house, and then go engage in some character impersonation to see if you can sink your canines into someone sweet.)
Don’t underestimate the power of whimsical thinking, or you might find yourself pushing up daisies. We don’t mean “dead”; we mean “assigned as a punishment the nonsensical task of attempting to make flowers grow faster through the application of physical force, because you have angered someone with great power and a strange sense of humor.”
In a world which seemed to be spinning faster, more erratically than ever before, White Wizards kept sending cannon fodder to kill The Dark Lord at a rapidly increasing rate. Once she’d decided that killing them was becoming flat-out wasteful, Alice had found she was in possession of a surplus, a veritable cornucopia, of would-be Alice-murderers.
One could play with them, of course, torture them as punishment and such, but The Dark Lord really didn’t have a lot of time to waste on recreation. And surely somewhere in all that Human material there was something useful.
So she tested them…..